|
|
 |
Nothings Fair |  |
 Home Page |
Pictures |
Hell Rants |
Boredom |
Memorandum |
|
Hell Rants... Aaaah... you have to get in touch with your inner a-hole |
|
 |
Introduction To Ranting By DVUS13 I know that it is common practice to begin these things by saying that one doesnt wish to get off on a rant, but I really want to do just that! Yes, I want to talk about people that DONT go off on rants. Do you realize how unhealthy that is? Bottling things up inside at all times may get you kudos at The Club, but it just dont work in any other atmosphere. Doubt me? Try it out. Some of you may even be doing that as I speak. Are you sitting in a cubicle right now? Perhaps your boss might be...uhhh a wanker thats so ultimately unqualified to do his job (or yours) that it makes your head hurt when he speaks. Maybe that person makes Forest Gump look like Tony Robbins. Just maybe youre convinced that his coffee cup is a natural extension of his hand. Does he call meetings to organize the next sub-committee meeting to co-ordinate the formation of a commission to examine the planning committee for the next meeting? Have you called him a butt-munch yet? Not even behind his back?! You are cruising for an early heart attack, my friend. You know that crazy lady that grows fruit flies for her pet toad, Roscoe, right there at her desk? You do too!! Or maybe you know her as the lady with pictures of her cats on her desktop and screensaver. Perhaps you know her that lady that comes to your desk with a contract for your soul in exchange for Girl Scout cookies. Whichever, have you told her to go and take a flying piss up a revolving rope? No? Oh, Man, you are in for it! How about driving? Are you serious? Youre one of those people that stops the extension of the well-deserved middle finger for the flaming jackass that three-lanes switches while sipping a latte and calling his broker on the non-hands-free cell phone? Sure- you think about it, but you dont actually extend the digit that is meant for those people. Oh, Dearie my! I can smell the therapy now! Listen! You have to get in touch with the Inner- A-Hole. That part of the dusty attic you call your mind. You DO know it! Its that voice that screams, This is BS!!You can do it. Just decide to stand up for your right to be dissatisfied. Draw strength from the fact that complainers get things done! Rage, my children, rage!! Well, Ill do it for you for now. Next class: How to handle family. |
| Check Your Ex by DVUS13 Sometimes Goodbye is not goodbye. Sadly, sometimes Go F-Yourself with a rusty chainsaw doesnt seem to register either. Its an age-old question. How does one go about telling a person to whom they have made a commitment to go fiddle with their faddle and let me be? A few suggestions to begin: 1. Act Crazy: You may do this already and this tactic is less effective if you are actually a Nut-Wad! Also, this may only confirm the assumption that caused them to be with you in the first place. However, if you dont currently have rubber wardrobe (that your partner knows about), this tactic is best pulled -off by slight increases in insane behavior. You just cant start out screaming and trying to bite your own eyelids. That will get ya committed right quick! You have to pace yourself. Try asking what as if they have just said something (even though you know that they have not). Increase the frequency of this until your partner forgets whether she/he has even said anything in the last five hours. 2. Bark: Self-explanatory, but pace yourself. 3. Call out names of famous cartoon characters during sex. 4. Put odd objects in the fridge. Examples: Remote control, the cat, a box full of Jell-O cubes, or a watermelon with holes bored into it (theyll wonder either way) 5.(last one cause Im getting side-tracked) Talk about historical events as if you were there. Anyway, if you have an Ex, you probably have one of the following type (or you may be one): The Collector- This person seems to always remember )often over the span of several months or years) that you are in possession of one of their most prized artifacts. They will come to collect these at the most inopportune times. The Last Time- This person will continually try for Break-Up Sex whether or not they have already gotten it. They will always preface this advance with a long pause (probably on the phone or after running their hands through their hair and sighing) and saying, I really miss US you know? The Offender- This person will take every opportunity to insult: you, your religion, your favorite color, or your choice for Survivor. This happens in front of mutual friends or (god forbid!) the kids. The Comparer- This person takes every opportunity to compare their new squeeze to you. This will happen more often in front of mutual friends, but some are bold enough to stage a full-on parade right in you face. Well, barring kids, the best route to go is being drumroll The Ignorer!This person totally denies and ignores any relationship. Seriously! If somebody that you were involved with tells you to get lost then GET LOST! Give up on the thing! Jeesh! If you are an EX, be that! Adios for now! |
 |
 |
WAR by DVUS13 Did you think I was going to ask, What is it good for? in the title? Well, I dont think I even need to explain that. Or...do I? You see, sometimes a man falls in love with a woman and they share a special Love Handshake and wait wrong speech. No matter from which perspective you view the concept of war, it is a necessary part of being a human. Yes, peace is more enjoyable, but war is part of peace. Without it, there would be no concept of peace. I dont want to get too awful philosophical here so lets just stick to the facts. Do you remember the bully in your life? You know the one Im talking about. High school, elementary, middle school, college, or perhaps you have one at work or maybe you live with one. They exist! I swear that they do. Got that picture in mind? Good, no picture that person with an army of people who dont care whether they live or die and, now, the bully has nuclear weapons. Hows Study Hall and Recess looking for you now? Oh, I almost forgot that if you never had a bully you WERE one! Imagine yourself with an army of people who dont care whether they live or die and, now, you have nuclear weapons. QUICK! Everyone look around and find the person with the ic look on their face after reading that last thought! See em? Thinking about growing flowers or giving peace a chance seeing the drool on the chin of that grinning maniac? THATS WHO THESE PEOPLE WE GO TO WAR WITH ARE! I am speaking from the perspective of a United States citizen and my country has been the bully at times and, you know what The people we bullied had every right in the universe to kick our ass for doing that! There is a reason behind every war. That reason is always a good one if you consider both sides and one more. If a group of people is being tyrannically oppressed, then their reason is survival and its a good one. If one country wants land and someone already lives there, then the inhabitants are justified. If a strong country picks up the battle standard on behalf of a weaker nation in order to protect them from oppression and tyranny, then their cause is just. Now, are you thinking of a war whose combatants seem to have chosen sides based on nothing that seems just? Good! Heres that one more side to consider that I mentioned! Some people are too freaking crazy and dangerous to be allowed to live with the rest of us. WHY? Because they are crazy and dangerous! Let em wipe each other out and get on with the flower-planting and conspicuous consumption! In summation (I realized that this topic may be too large to handle all in one sitting), I ask you a final question. Do you remember that peaceful and generous society that refused to participate in any war or conflict? That society that ignored the impending danger of being overtaken as their neighbors had been? The same society that had tremendous wealth and vast natural resources that were the envy of the world, yet formed no defense of these? You know the one Im talking about, its that society that was all of these things and has existed as free and prosperous for hundreds of years. Well? Cant think of one? Try harder! Still no dice? EXACTLY! |
| Family Rant by DVUS13 Come on! Say it with me, Children! I dare you to say the word family without a touch of the joyous and a healthy helping of shudders. Sure, you may say the word initially and find yourself in fond remembrance of gatherings around the hearth complete with cocoa and innocent jokes, while the group smiles warmly at one another and revels in the simple act of being together. BUT!! You most likely also have the disturbing image of Uncle Billy drunkenly hitting on cousin Sue (who, I might add, has developed nicely in the chest for her thirteen years). Perhaps you have the audible recount of Grandma ripping a wallpaper-peeling flutterblast during dinner which she cannot hear thanks to age and a failing battery in her hearing aid? (Shell blame it on the dog that died two years ago, if history serves.) Yes! Come one! Come all! You have entered the Church of the Family! The common misconception ...the popularized notion of the family is a farce. Always has been and it always will be. There can be no good without bad. No light can exist without darkness. A flock has its shady sheep as well as its sterling, bright, and shining members.╤В╨е╨┤тХи╨в╤В╨е╨╕тХи╨░╤В╨е╨╕тХитХЭTis the way of the world, Lads and Lasses! You may gaze longingly across the street through the binoculars you bought for "bird-watching" and wonder how the Hendersons manage to pull of the elegant, candlelit family dinners every other night. That is, until you keep yourself home sick from work and focus on the patriarch of the Cosby Family all decked out in his wifes finest teddy and stocking set, singing I Feel Pretty in his perfect falsetto. Or try a different day at a different window of the house and you may find seemingly pristine Princess Julie deciding that the ripe old age of seventeen is the perfect time to throw a little gang-bang for the swim team using Moms Vicodin (The old lady wont miss it. Shes got a TON!) and her brother Chips stash of premium pot. Thats why you bought the binocs anyway right? Well, theres the bird-watching too. Wink Wink! I guess what it boils down to is that every, family unit (regardless of composition) is constructed of human beings. Human beings are flawed by design. Therefore, (and I dont think Im reaching here!) all human families are flawed. Hey! Somebodys got to be the A-hole, right? Look at your own family and permit me a moment of wisdom from my Pappy here. Can you identify the Screw-up? If not, its you! Remember this about family: The family is not a perfect representation of the ideal. It is not American Gothic. It is, at best, a Picasso- an abstract representation of the ideal. In some cases, it is a Pollack. Find the truth where you choose to look the hardest. Next topic: Ill take suggestions! Seriously, let me know! If not, Ill have to think of something on my own. |
 |
 |
The Power You Do/Don't Have by DVUS13 ~~ THE POWER YOU HAVE ~~ All of us have had a moment in our lives when we question exactly what in the name of little, green apples our role in this world may be. This moment is accompanied by the startling realization that we may have no significant role to play in the grand scheme. What possible impact could your existence play in the shaping of the present or future? A LOT! A whole Oprah-ego-sized bunch! Its hard to wrap the head around, but its true! Now, the things I am going to suggest may seem either alien or difficult to enact, but the consequences will be felt through out your corner of this rock on which you trudge. An example? Sure! I hate that this person on the radio or television is annoying and I want them to stop broadcasting. What you do, Friends, is stop listening. Change the channel, folks! Ratings are what make them and ratings are what destroy them. Simply change the channel. If enough people do that, then the offending party will disappear. If they dont, then it must have just been you and you shouldnt tune in anymore. THATS IT! Dont bother the rest of humanity with your personal agenda. We dont care what you think! Also, DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to form a group to protest that program or personality. We didnt care when you spoke alone and all that you are going to achieve is a direct, contradictory response from the majority of the public. We have seen all the demonstrations. We have seen your dread-locked, un-shaven ass on TV before and we didnt listen then. If that offended you, consider this scenario. We have seen your rich, well coiffed, blue-suit-wearin ass before too. We dont listen to you either! Just dont listen or watch. That will have more effect than bombarding the airwaves with other crap we dont want to pay attention to. Another example, you say? No problem for me. You know that some stores and restaurants have high prices and sub-standard service. Did you fill out a complaint card or log onto their website and submit a suggestion? DOH! They dont care! This is a lot like the first strategy, but dont shop or eat at those places. Eventually they will adjust their behavior. Do you think that the $.99 menus came from a reaction to a complaint? Do you think that snooty-ass stores stay in business because people DONT shop there? Hate a particular politician? DONT vote for them. Your partner not doing right; then cut them off sexually (for a bit, any longer and theyll start to hate you). Does your waiter or waitress suck? Dont tip them. You have power! Watch the way that businesses react to your refusal to use their services! Have you noticed a change in Blockbusters policies? Thats because of Netflix. Is a local bar not serving well-made drinks? Then tell everyone at the bar (on your last appearance there) what your problem is and then dont go back. Inaction is action. Boycott has power. Lip service is annoying. Hit em where it hurts! Cmon! I dont have to explain everything do I? BUT ON THE OTHER HAND... Having covered the topic of the power that you do have in the previous rant, I thought I might clarify the situation by discussing some serious misconceptions about the power that you dont have. Sure, you may choose to do these things and I want to make it clear that I fully understand the Constitution and the rights endowed within it. However, the rest of us have rights too. Your right to swing your fist ends when you make contact with someone elses face. You have the right to practice any religion that you wish as long as your practice doesnt interfere with someone elses life. I may be a Southeastern Valley of Mars Cannibal, but I am not allowed to practice because that may possibly prove to be a minor inconvenience to those whom I choose to consume. In the same vein, whatever religion you choose, you do not have the power to force others to change theirs because you dont agree with it. IF youre a snake-handler, great, but dont go stuffing a pit viper in my mailbox because you think I need to be saved from damnation. Also, my religion is my freaking business. You dont have the power to ask me about it and then argue with me about its merits. You have the right to say just about anything you want unless it interferes with someone elses life. The classic example is that you are not allowed to scream, Fire! in a crowded theater. I say,Shut up and dont scream anything in a theater! Its a theater! Im trying to watch Spy Kids 2 here!Also, you may be deeply concerned with the practice of painting rabid wolverines toenails, but that doesnt give you the right to throw buckets of Sassy Red Hussy on the clothes of University of Michigan fans. You may think that we heathens need to be informed about your particular bugaboo, but that doesnt mean you get to harass us. Look, you have the right to fart in a crowded elevator, but you have the responsibility to clench. IF something around you is buggering your universe, think of a polite and constructive way to deal with it. You could; write a book, sing a song, make a speech, paint a picture, scream into a pillow, go work out, or...hey...rant! But until you figure out how to get your point across without getting into someone elses dance space... CLENCH! |
| |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|